Navigating Disagreements

I won't pretend to be flawless in my disagreements. Not remotely. I'm learning every day and perpetually seeking to do better. When you learn better, you do better. Any hobby is full of landmines, but the purebred dog fancy seems particularly fraught (to be frank, the rescue world isn't better).

In general, I try hard to follow some guiding principles, even in the depths of frustration or despair. These are my guiding principles. Absolutely no one is entitled to adopt them or follow them. But I can say, the times I've gotten in deeper trouble were times when I didn't follow my own rules.

1. No name calling. No insults. Has this one gotten away from me? Absolutely. But in my experience, calling people names and insulting them serves no purpose. For what it's worth, to me, an insult isn't a statement that someone might find offensive. I believe in speaking my experience, as politely as possible when necessary, even when that might offend someone. But, statements such as: "You expect everyone to worship the ground you walk on" or "You are a bully" could be phrased in a less inflammatory manner.

   
   

2. Is it Necessary? This is hard, sometimes in the moment, a response feels not only warranted, but necessary. And after given sometime, it becomes clear that a response was not necessary in that moment. There are times when I choose to not say anything at all. There are times when I let matters sit and come back to them with a cooler head. And, there are times, usually when it comes to the matter of safety, when I say something even though I know it will cost me. Questions I try to ask with this:

• What am I trying to accomplish? If my goal is to change their mind, is that likely?

• Do I need to say something to protect my peace? For closure?

• If I don't speak up, is someone liable to get hurt (whether human or dog)?

• What is this going to cost me?

3. Privacy and Gossip. Everyone is entitled to privacy. Everyone is entitled to not have their personal affairs dragged out in the public for everyone to see. The more involved parties, the more complicated the communication. Certainly, I believe in the importance of venting to trusted confidants, but if those confidants are turning around and spreading information about the conflict far and wide, they're doing more harm than good. Involving third-parties is a quick way to escalate into a vicious game of telephone. But they have screenshots, you might say. Have you seen all the screenshots? Or just some. And, what's more. How is it any of your business?

4. Call Out Culture is Toxic. Full stop. "If you see something, say something," you may argument. Okay. Sure. Who are you saying it to? The perpetrator of the act? Authority figures? Or are you putting them on blast so you can signal how virtuous you are? One thing I tell my dogs all the time: "Not your job." The start to posture at a rude dog? Not your job. If it becomes necessary, I'll handle it. Barking at someone walking down the street minding their own business? Not your job to tell me about it unless they're suspicious or threatening. I think we, as a society, need to take a hard look into how we can support justice without tearing down others.

   
   

5. Look at Both Sides. Do I always manage to follow this? No and there's been some times where, well after the fact, I realized I could have resolved so much tension if I had gotten both sides of the story. But I try my best. And I feel in this regard, I am improving all the time. If you don't know the full scope of a story, you can not accurately judge the proposed antagonist. "But I have screenshots." Okay. Sure. Do you have the whole conversation? How do you know you have the full conversation? So you have screenshots from Messenger? Do you have texts, emails, and transcripts of in person conversations? The answer is probably, no. It's not necessarily your job to look at both sides, but in that case, before casting judgement, take everything with a grain of salt.

6. Let it Pass. This is hard. This is so hard. But if it's not your business. If saying something will just escalate all involved. If it's not a safety issue. Just let it pass.

   
   

7. Safety and Welfare. I've already mentioned this once, but it bears repeating. If the issue concerns the safety of another being, I am far more likely to pick a head-on approach. When in comes to safety, compromise truly is not a viable or safe option. If someone asks me if I can do X, but by doing X I endanger other people or dogs, the answer is No. As a complete sentence. If a dog I bred is in a situation that could lead to their death, I am going to intervene if possible. It doesn't matter the fall out or damage to my reputation and, in potential cases of life and death, I will intervene even when I know it will damage my relationships with others. If others can't see I'm acting in the interest of the dogs I have a responsibility to? That's their choice.

8. Mediation. Is mediation dictated by a contract between the parties? Is conversation at an impasse? Then I will pursue mediation through an uninterested third party up to and including a paid mediator. Asking a mutual friend to mediate is typically a recipe for disaster in my experience.

   
   

9. When in Doubt, Assume Confidentiality. Did someone tell you something deeply personal? Don't go share that with your neighbor. Don't go share it with their friend. Or your friend. And especially not a mutual friend. How does that serve anyone?

   
   

10. Don't Say Anything You Don't Want Read in Court. This is one I feel confident in for myself. Even in the depths of an argument, I'd stand behind everything I said. Sometimes a disagreement gets away from me, but anything I say I will stand behind.

    
    

11. Don't Enter Into An Agreement You Can't Uphold. That means casual agreements like: Yes, I'll help you clean out your dog room on Saturday. Or yes, let's go to that event together. Yes, you are entitled to change your mind. In particular, chronic illness is a struggle. But as much as you can, honor your word. And that's not only in regard to casual agreements. It's even more important in documents like contracts. If you gave your word, you are (or at least should consider yourself) honor bound to uphold it. That's doubly true if your agreement is legally binding. I once wanted to breed a dog. I had a contract with her breeder to not breed the dog unless there was a full year in between litters. Well, naturally the dog came into season eleven months after her last litter was born. The puppies would have been born over a year apart, but she would not have been bred a full year after her previous litter. I asked the breeder if they would modify the contract and they were uncomfortable with that, so I waited another year to breed her, as I had given my written word.

    
    

12. Be Considerate. If the person you have a conflict just lost a dog, perhaps today isn't the best day to reach out. If the other person struggles with their mental health, perhaps you should consider long and hard whether #6 on this list is the right option. Cases where consideration isn't high on my list of priorities? The case that immediately comes to mind is #7 on this list: Safety and Wellbeing. If the conflict is a matter of safety, that can make being considerate of the other party's needs far more complicated.

I wish navigating interpersonal issues was easier. I wish I'd had to navigate it less frequently. But as my training mentor said, life is really a people business first and a dog business second. When you necessarily interact with dozens of people daily, some conflicts are inevitable.